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guilty, without charge

Sep 15th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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I regularly feel guilty for things that I do. It’s rarely, if ever, because the person I feel guilty about has done or said something to make me feel guilty. It’s usually not even because of some action someone else took. Most of the time the source of my guilt is contained entirely within the walls of my mind.

I was raised Catholic. Maybe that’s where all the guilt comes from.

I don’t get to see my wife and daughter often enough. With work, sleep, chores, and social expectations taking up the majority of my time (in that order), there’s little left for them. So any time I do anything at all that takes away from time I could be spending with them I feel guilty. It’s not that either of them do anything that makes me feel guilty. I just do. All on my own.

I need to get over it, take some time for myself, and get to the point where I feel good about who I am again. I need more photo sessions; more outings with friends in crazy, crowded bars; more outings with friends in secluded, intimate locations; more hikes; more stargazing; more road-trips; more projects.

The guilt, however, it not entirely without reason. It keeps me in check and makes sure that I’m taking time out for other people too: my wife, my daughter, my family, my friends. It makes sure that it’s not always about me. Because, unfortunately, the people that I love are not always interested and available for the things I want to do.

So that’s what I need now. I need to find a happy medium between satisfying my own needs and catering to the needs of those I love without feeling so guilty and stressed and, eventually, depressed, that I end up doing neither.

a survey: killing time

Sep 12th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
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(stolen from Gloria)

What is in the back seat of the car right now?
a carseat base, a baby harness, a baby sling, some baby toys, some trash

Name 3 people who you talked to today?
Like REALLY talked to: Elizabeth and Mel.

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Working. Just like I’m doing at 8am almost every morning.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Driving home from Flavor Tripping with 15 or so friends.

What is your favorite board game?
Kill Dr. Lucky.

What is the last thing you yelled aloud?
“My Balls!”

What is the best ice cream flavor?
mint chocolate chip

What are you wearing right now?
I’ll show you if you show me.

What was the last thing you ate?
The aforementioned Miracle Fruit along with a few lemon wedges, a strawberry, a raspberry, a sour patch kid, some watermelon, a piece of beef jerky (yuck!), and some pickled okra (extra yuck!).

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
not this week

Whats the last sporting event you watched?
on TV, Wrestling on Tuesday night. In person, a ranger game several years ago.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Montana. Or maybe Alaksa. Or possibly Egypt.

Who is the last person you sent a message on myspace, facebook, livejournal, email, text message, IM?
Angie, Ramona, Jennifer, Morgan, Emily, Elizabeth

Ever go camping?
Last weekend. Hoping to go at least two more times before the end of the year.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Nothing unintentional.

Are you someones best friend?
Probably not.

Look to your left, what do you see?
Two computers, a laptop, and a large pile of wires.

What color is your watch?
Brown and silver, but I rarely wear it.

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Awesome accents.

Do you have a dog?
I wish.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Sadly enough, my Boss. I clearly need more phone friends. Volunteer?

Have you met anyone famous?
Some musicians.

Any plans today?
The day is almost over. But, tomorrow, sunrise photos of Ike, a Mojito Picnic Party, and then a birthday party at my Dad’s.

Are you happy?
Right this moment, not really. I’m too nervous and concerned and thought-filled to be happy.

Where are you right now?
In my office.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
I’ll steal Gloria’s on this one: When someone can’t just say, “NO, thanks, I’m not interested,” like a grownup instead of ignoring me.

Also, my dependence on other people.

Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes. Several people. Nic, most of all.

Is anyone jealous of you?
Highly unlikely.

What time is it?
11:26pm

Do any of your friends have children?
Yes. Lots of them do.

What do you usually do during the day?
Work. I wish I could say otherwise.

Do you hate anyone right now?
I strive not to hate. Right now, I’m doing a good job at that.

Do you use the word “hello” daily?
More than likely, yes.
How many kids do you want to have?
I’m okay with 1. I could handle 2 or 3 as well. 4 is probably too many.

How did you get one of your scars?
Running into a fence with an ATC.

it always breaks

Jul 28th, 2008
by Jim Reverend.
4 comments

I think I’m a target for broken things — broken anything. From techology, to things bought in various stores, to that too-emo-for-my-age feeling that even most of my relationships are broken in some way.

I go into a Starbucks with a simple purpose: get some Caffiene before going back to work so I don’t fall asleep on the job and, while I’m at it, update my website. 15 minutes later and I’m finally online. I had to wait for Vista to “Switch Users”. Then I had to wait for it to log me in. Then I had to wait for it to get all booted up. Then I had to kill a few processes because it wasn’t coming up. Then I had to wait longer. When it finally came up I had to wait an eternity for the AT&T login page on the Starbucks wireless network to appear. It never did. I eventually gave up and slapped in my Mobile Data card. 15 minutes! So, here I am, finally. I’m so frustrated I don’t even remember what I intended to write about.

Our house has one room that’s about 10 degrees hotter than the rest. I guess it’s built wrong. I have no idea. Of course, we never really started using that room until our new home warranty was up. Even better, I’ve now selected it as my office. So, instead of trying to figure out what wrong with the ducts, I just decided to buy a window A/C. Of course, my windows (seemingly the same windows as everyone else in the world) don’t quite cooperate with the type of window mounts provided. So, my office is still 10 degrees hotter. But now, I’m $150 poorer and there’s an air conditioner taking up the floor in the corner.

I bought a water proof camera bag in order to take photos underwater while at the lake. Of course, the only sizes available are too-small for $20 and way-too-big for $120. So, I opt for way-too-big since the description says the the bag has some srt of bellows to accomodate lenses as small at 3cm. That’s a lie. A big lie. So, I have a bunch of photos that have the corners cut out of them thanks to the bag getting in the way of the shot. Didn’t really matter anyway since none of the photos came out. I have no idea why.

I upgraded the LiveJournal Crossposting script that I use on this site and on my photo blog. Of course, something changed and now, my other plugin that formats my photo posts all pretty like doesn’t work leaving the Crossposted LJ entries looking more than worthless. I’m sure I can figure out what’s wrong, but I really just don’t want to.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist. Nothing works for me. If there’s a way something can go wrong or a point that should never fail can fail, it’s happened to me in some way and, most likely, at the time when I was relying on it most.

And, of course, I’m sure this griping all seems trivial. But it’s just one more straw on an already overloaded mind burdened by what seems to be a heavier and heavier heart. I need a break.