I’ve lost my way. I’m lacking inner peace and my sense of self-worth is being destroyed. I’m fighting my way back, but it’s going to be a long battle.
(There’s a long story behind most of this, as there always is with me. Most of it doesn’t really speak to the point I’m trying to make, so I’m going to skip over it.)
For quite some time now, my need for external validation has gone from nearly none at all to a point where I almost can’t function without it. I believe that external validation is a good thing in many cases. Without it, we’d all be that horrible singer everyone laughs at on American Idol. But, as with anything, there’s a line.
Lately, this need has coupled itself with my natural tendency toward flirtation and sensuality. Again, this is not a bad thing on it’s own. However, with the intensity that fuels this need, when it isn’t received it tends to have a terrible effect on me. It leads to depression, decreased self esteem and a big long list of other really bad things.
The point I’m trying to make is that I need to cool it. I need to release the bond I’ve made internally between flirtation and validation. And, until I can get control of it, the easiest way to ensure this is to turn it off.
If you are someone I’ve hurt or offended because because of my recent behavior, I’m truly sorry. I may not even realize I’ve hurt you. Please let me know if I have.
If you’re one of the few people that actually enjoys my flirtatious nature, please don’t take offense if you find it lacking. If you want it back all you only need to poke me a few times and be willing to flirt back.
Slowly, but surely, I’ll make it. And I’m surrounded by some incredible friends who are helping to make that possible.