revjim.net

single parenthood

the flexible future

Jun 11th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
12 comments

I’ve been laying awake for over an hour, unable to get back asleep. I live alone, so “accidentally” waking my significant other and/or roommate up in order to have a conversation isn’t an option. And I don’t have any friends that wouldn’t by upset if i called them at 4 in the morning to discuss a problem that technically doesn’t exist for 3 years or so. So then I thought, hey, there’s that guy on the Internet. You know, the one that’s always up? I’ll tell him.

Hey… that’s YOU.

So the problem, in a nutshell, is that in 3 years or so my daughter will be going to school while I’m a working, single parent. (If you happen to be a working, single parent or a family where both parents work, I could really use your insight.)

Right now, I have a pretty decent situation. My employer is very flexible with my hours. Because my daughter’s mom and I do “every other day” custody, it means I can go in really late one day, and then go in to work really early the next. With her mom having the same schedule every day this means that my daughter is in the care of people other than her parents for between 7 and 9 hours each day. Not great, but not terrible either. And very similar to the requirements of public school.

If my employer wasn’t so flexible, then my daughter would be at school for roughly 10 hours each day. Throw in the fact that she sleeps 10-12 hours each day out of school, and that leaves 2 to 4 hours each day to eat dinner, take a bath, drive to school and back and actually enjoy each other. Again, not great, but at least it’s doable.

When my daughter starts real school, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I picked a random local elementary school as an example. The school hours are 8am to 3pm. That’s 7 hours and a set schedule. There’s simply no way I can make that work alone. And, unless her mom can manage to find a schedule as flexible as mine, having “every other day” custody doesn’t really help the siutation any.

So, as I see it, my options are these:

  1. Find a private school with longer hours and figure out how to pay for it. (2-4 hours of family time)
  2. Find an afterschool program that handles child transport and figure out how to pay for it (2-4 hours of family time)
  3. Become very close with a family that lives very close by that I trust with my child and that is also willing to help. Adopt that family as part of my own. Hope with all my might that neither of us every has to move. (5-7 hours of family time 2-4 of which I am present for.)
  4. Make an arrangement with another single parent (guy or girl), another couple, or a romantic interest and tie our lives and living arrangements together for the greater good of both families. (5-7 hours of family time. I could be present for nearly all of them, depending on my schedule and their schedules. Worst case, 2-4 hours I’ll be present for.)
  5. Work for myself with hours that I can set entirely on my own. (5-7 hours of family time for which I would, presumably, be present for all of them except in cases where I needed to work and had to find assistance.)
  6. Join a commune.

Options 1 and 2 are roughly the same, require the most money, the most stable of jobs, and the least amount of outside help.

Options 3 and 4 and better and then better still, but require more and more outside assistance. As you know, I’m very fond of raising my child “in a village” so these options are quite sutiable to me but require lots of outside assistance. Ideally, options 3 and 4 would work best together. Even better than that, would be having multiple families to suit option 3.

Option 5 is of course the best for allowing me to spend the most time with my daughter. However, it’s also the least stable of all since I’d be working for myself and would still require either a good trust worthy babysitter, or a nearby family to help out from time to time.

Option 6 speaks for itself.

All in all, option 4, with multiple option 3s and an option 5 kicker would be the best.

I’ve got less than 3 years to make it happen.

So, now the question.

To all of you single, working parents or coupled parents that both work: how do YOU make it happen?

In most of the single parent cases that I am aware of, extended family fill in all the gaps. This simply isn’t an option for me. My brother is also a single parent. My other brother lives in Vermont. My sister and her husband both work long hours and live far away. My mom is the most likely candidate to help and she’s made it clear that she’s not interested in doing so right now. If she manages to move to Rockwall and if I do to, then she becomes an option.

a time and a place

Apr 10th, 2009
by Jim Reverend.
No comments yet

I’m getting there. One day at a time. That’s sort of my new mantra. Although sometimes, I have to resort to “one minute at a time”, I can get through.

ON MOVING

My neighbors are the best I’ve ever had anywhere ever. My neighborhood is quite nice and there’s always something going on and people to run into. I’m close enough to stores and shops and things that I enjoy and that fact gets better every day. Although I’m still a ways away from work, Celeste’s daycare is only about 15 minutes out of my way. And, as long as I don’t drive in rush hour, getting her to and from the house is not too bad.

Renting my house out would be a pain in the ass and a financial burden. Having to live in a rented place would also be a slight pain in the ass and, potentially, a financial burden.

I could move, but there’s no clear cut place to go. Keller makes since until my parents leave. And they’ve made it very clear that they are leaving whether I need them or not. Denton makes sense for my lifestyle. Justin (NorthWest of Keller) makes sense for affordable housing and proximity to lots of friends. Carrollton makes sense for being close to daycare and Jess. But each of these options also has a bunch of negatives. Imagine me going to work in Irving, then driving to Carrollton to get Celeste, then driving to Justin. I’d spend so much time driving being close to my friends wouldn’t matter because they’d all be in bed when I got home anyway. And working from home would be nearly impossible.

So… all of that to say I’m staying put. At least until I can sell or easily rent, I have a clear direction on where to live, and I can qualify to BUY the second house, not rent.

Which also means I’m putting in hardwood (or laminate) flooring. It’s not going to happen this weekend. So those of ou who have offered help (for which I am so grateful), I’ll let you know when. Soon though. I’m still trying to source the right flooring for me.

CLEANING IT OUT

My house is in shambles. Like, upside down, crazy messes in every corner. And I want to overhaul it all anyway. I do have a plan of attack. For the big stuff:

  1. Clean the Garage
  2. Prepare shelving in the Garage (my only real place to store anything in this house) to hold any bulk products
  3. Clean Master Bedroom Closet
  4. Clean kitchen cabinets and pantry
  5. Organize and add shelving to Laundry Room
  6. Figure out what to do with the game room (office? living? photo studio? your thoughts?)
  7. Prepare Guest Room (possible office?)
  8. Done!

For the rest of the house, I’m just going one room at a time nice and slow moving the mess away. If it’s stuff that needs to be stored, for now I’m just throwing it in the garage or closet until I get to them. There’s no point in trying to organize something half-assed when I need to overhaul it anyway.

HELP?

Having Celeste running around can make some things almost impossible. Cleaning the garage, for instance, is difficult. It’s too messy and dangerous for her to play in right now. And most of the stuff is too big for me to life while holding her. So, I can only clean it when she’s sleeping. Which means it could take a while.

I’m not really keen on asking people to clean my house for me. But, if you like hanging out and like children and wouldn’t mind providing an extra set of hands to chase Celeste around, I could surely use them. In fact, I rarely turn down the offer for company. Even with little to no notice. So, please, give me a call. I cook well and am always very gracious.

THE IMPORTANT THINGS

I’m slowly learning to re-prioritize myself. When Jess was around it was easy to know that if I wasn’t caring for Celeste then she was. So there was never any question when it came to stuff like “should I pull the weeds when I get home today or not?”. (That doesn’t mean I did it, mind you, but there was a clear indicator on whether or not I should).

These days that’s much different.

I’m learning that I’d rather have my HOA screaming at me for having the worst yard in the neighborhood and a happy, laughing, baby than to have the most beautiful lawn in the world and a kid who plays all by herself all the time, is require to play in a playpen every day instead of the real world, or who cries for her daddy and doesn’t receive his comfort.

This may seem like a simple lesson to you, but my sense of obligation and responsibility is strong. So I find myself very guilt ridden when making choices like this. But I’m figuring it out. Like I said… one day at a time.

CELESTE

My daughter is amazing. Beyond amazing. Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself in awe at how unconditionally I love her and how much she warms my heart and enriches my life. No matter what happens between Jess and I or what kind of relationship we manage to maintain, I will always be grateful to her for bringing this beautiful girl into the world.