You might be surprised at how many times I’ve sat down to write as I am now, and the first things I’ve typed have said something to indicate that I had no idea what I was going to write and I hoped that, in the end, it was at least a little interesting for you, and a little helpful for me. Often, by the end, there is a clear point and I delete those words. Maybe I will today too.
hopeful
A Dream and a Kiss
My dreams have never been at all similar to the types of dreams I hear most people talk about. For instance, until fairly recently, I’d never had a dream about any kind of sexual activity. Nudity, sure, but that’s it. When it finally did happen, it was mostly awkward in my dream and left me laughing about it when I woke.
Last night I dreamt about a kiss. Not only was it an unexpected dream, but the kiss itself was unexpected in the dream, lasted all of 3 seconds, and was quite wonderful. I’m not sure what that says about me or how I’m supposed to interpret it. Maybe I really don’t care. It was a nice dream. In true form for me, the other participant was not anyone that I currently have romantic interest in. Not that I wouldn’t or won’t in the future. It’s just the way things work. And I use the words “romantic interest” very loosely. I am, after all, a recently separated, single father with a stressful job who lives far away from everyone he knows.
A Lake and Fireworks
I spent last night at the lake with good friends, swimming and watching fireworks. I’ve brought Celeste swimming quite a bit this summer and she’s taken to the water like a fish. With so many boats in the lake, this was her first time to experience waves of any kind. Though they were small, some were at least half her height and definitely capable of overpowering her. She did well though. The first few knocked her underwater. She’s known how to hold her breath for quite a while, so that wasn’t a problem. She’d wait for me to scoop her up and then try again. Eventually, she let go of some of her independence when she realized she’d have a lot more fun in the “deep” water if she held on to something like my leg. If I wasn’t walking fast enough for her she’d say “Dada! Move!”. I’d ask her which way and she’d point out toward the middle of the lake. And that’s one reason among millions why she brings so much light into my life.
My clothes were still wet when I got home.
admiration
My Time and a Break
A good friend recently asked me, in regard to parenthood, “But, don’t you ever enjoy a break?” This is my response to her, with some editing and more added in.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy a break. But, when I get one, more often than not, I just find myself wishing Celeste was there. Especially after more than a few hours. More than anything it’d be nice to be able to “tag out” every now and then when I get frustrated or overwhelmed. That way I can calm down in my own space without having to do it in front of Celeste. But, that’s not a choice I have so I’m doing the best that I can.
I think if I had a partner — like a real partner, with two-way communication and sharing of duties, though not necessarily a wife or even a female — I’d have the best of both worlds. Then I could ask for a morning every now and then to myself and go find a sunrise and not have to worry about taking Celeste with me. Or I could stay up late and drink here and there not worry about having to be up in the morning with the kiddo.
Then again, when I do have time away from her (which is far too often) I rarely, if ever, spend it out drinking. And, though I’m not sure her young mind can possibly appreciate it in the same way I do, one of the things I look forward to most is being able to show my daughter a waterside sunrise one day.
I do have plenty of Daniel Time, despite my packed schedule and constant lists of chores. But, if I get to choose how to spend my Daniel time, it’ll probably be surrounded by my friends and their kids and, ideally, my kid too.
Parenting and Friends
I don’t think parenthood is something everyone should engage in. In these times, being a parent is not a requirement for our race to thrive. And there are enough distractions in life to make a childless life VERY rewarding. I don’t judge anyone who chooses not to have children and I appreciate all of those who choose to spend time with mine. But I do believe that almost everyone is capable of being a good parent if they can let go of time tables and silly schedules and just trust themselves.
And I think that parenting is always done best surrounded by as many people as possible. Yesterday was amazing: 6 kids, 5 adults, and everyone naturally looking out for everyone else. We all watched out for eachother’s kids and, even with sharp cliffs nearby in the almost pitch black, we could all rest assured that turning our eyes away from our children was an okay thing to do, because there were so many others watching out for them.